Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
This weekend we celebrated Lily's first birthday. It seems as though it was only a short time ago that we welcomed this little soul into our lives. She and I have had quite the journey this past year. It started out bumpy as we learned about one another but as our relationship grew the waters calmed and this beautiful sunshine emerged. This little girl that has already taught me so much.
I went into my second time as a mother with a great confidence thinking to myself what was there to fear as I already had one how could it be any different. Different it was. She was a different person and the bag of tools that I had as a mother didn't work for her. Lily lived the first 4 months of her life inside a pocket sling. Without this invaluable tool I am not too sure how we would have managed. It was as though she wanted to be out of my body but not quite and so the sling provided her with the comfort and safety that she needed. My grandmother once said it was like being pregnant still but just on the outside and this was what it was like. Lily needed another trimester it seemed only on the outside. She cried a lot and only wanted Me. Something I wasn't used too and not too sure how to handle. She was the second baby, everyone told me they are calm and peaceful, sleeping lots and easy going. That was what I expected. How was I going to make pottery and be creative?
Summer came and went and Lily blossomed. She learned to use her hands and things got better. She learned to sit on her own and things got better. She learned to crawl and my world changed. With each development she got happier and more content and I was learning more and more each day about who I was as a mother, a wife, an artist, and most importantly about myself.
This past year Lily has allowed me to learn to let things go. How to ask for help. Take the pressure off myself as I am the only one putting it there no one else. As an artist and someone that makes their living as a creative being there is the feeling at times that we must always want and need to be creative. That creativity and art just follows us and so sometimes when we buy something instead of making it or we watch t.v all evening instead of knitting that we are not fulfilling this expectation. Lily has helped to me be o.k. with all of this, as I just couldn't do it all.
As I look back over the past year I think of the amazing moments of have had with this little angel and the journey that lays ahead.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The couch is my new home. A Mama made blanket for healing.
This past week has been one of challenges and small celebrations. I have been away recovering and healing from surgery. My mastitis grew into an abscess which had to be operated on to be removed. I have therefore been in bed healing from such. It will be a somewhat long road to recovery as they are predicting 6 - 8 weeks until everything is healed. This puts a kink in things here as I am not able to lift Lily and so someone has to be here to life here in and out of the highchair, the crib and onto my lap to nurse.
Nursing has also been in question here as well which has brought up lots of emotion. At first it was suggested that I stop nursing as the milk ducts are leaking into the wound and therefore causing lots of drainage. I had to carefully consider everything as I knew that I was not ready emotionally to stop and if I am not able to life her there would be this huge distance between us. How would she understand what was going on? One minute I was there here Mama to nurse, snuggle and care for her and then the next I had taken all these things way. In the end we decided that stopping was not the best thing for both Lily and I.
So I am on the slow road to healing. I am knitting a lot, letting people care for me (which is always difficult for me as I want to appear strong), and taking the time to let my body heal its self. My body created this situation and therefore there must have been something that it wanted or needed. Maybe it was my body telling me to finally REST! This time last year I worked right up to the night I gave birth and then a week and a half later I was right back working.
Thursday marked my 29th Birthday. It was a quiet day with small celebrations.
Monday, March 22, 2010
There has been lots of knitting taking place around here. The mastitis has grown into something larger and therefore I have spent many hours at the hospital and in bed resting. This means lots of knitting. The sitting and resting seems to pass differently when you are knitting. Sitting waiting in the hospital doesn't seem so upsetting when you can look back and see the whole shrug that I knitted while there. Each stitch a passage of time. Each stitch a moment of healing.
The knitting has helped me to try and get through this. Can't understand how, but only thinking about the next stitch or the next row has helped with not thinking too far ahead and what awaits around the corner.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Yesterday was out first trip of the season to the Toronto Zoo. We are quick close and so it is something that we do often with the kids. It is a great walk for a adults and the kids love seeing the animals.
I watched yesterday in awe as Sam knew what he wanted to see and which way to go. To see him grow and evolve from the previous seasons was a great way to see my little guy growing. I remember his first trip to the zoo and he was not quite a year old and he was more interested in watching all the people rather than any of the animals. Now it is all about the animals. Lily slept the whole time but then again so did Sam at the same age. I wonder if the same progression will happen for her as it did for him? Will it progress at the same speed or will it be faster as she wants to keep up with him and see the excitement that he has and want to be a part of that as well?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Day Light Savings Time marks a major change in the seasons. The days are longer and brighter and we are able to consider for even a moment that summer will be here soon and the snow will not.
This time of year also marks a lifting of my spirit as the long days of darkness in the winter months has also been difficult for me. I need the warmth of the sun and being outdoors to calm my spirit. For the children to be able to run and play outside rather than in the small house. Sam needs to be able to have a large yard to be able to play soccer and hockey rather than our kitchen. The TV turned off and put into hibernation as we spend more hours enjoying nature and the world around us.
I know that there is some good in the hibernation of Winter. We need the time to slow down, go inwards and do the inner work that needs to be done during this time. Who can keep up with the pace of summer all year long? This Mama can not. But by the 4th or 5th month of Winter I have done about all the inner work that I can and I am even starting to over think many things. I need to stop thinking and starting enjoying. The playfulness of Summer and the renewal of Spring are the things that are most needed now.
As each day passes and there is more rain and more melting I start to know, feel and smell the change coming.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
To sit in the warmth of the sun and soak it up is amazing. Everyone plays while Mama enjoys a moment of peace (also all moments of peace require a Chai Latte in hand).
Even Lily got down on the ground and played in the muck as afterwards we had warm baths and dry clothes for all.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Nana and Papa have a farm close by that we visit on many occasion. Sam has been going to do the barn chores since he could walk and so he knows how to do everything. Telling Nana what to do next and instructing on correctness of each task.
We took Lily out for her first time in the barn and she was delighted to pet her first chicken. She was more amazed at it 'fly' out of Nana's arms and back into the pen.
It is an amazing opportunity that the kids have to have a Nana and Papa that have a little farm.