Truth & Ugly Truth

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Motherhood.  What does this mean really.  I have been doing it for the past 4 years and it still isn't any clearer than it was the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time.  Motherhood is not what I expected.  It is a lot harder, terrifying, life changing, sadder and frustrating and I ever imagined.  It has changed me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually when I never thought I wanted it to.

I had this imagine of a Mama that was calm, caring and peaceful.  She cooked, cleaned and created for her family.  She needed nothing, complained about nothing, and was happy being a Mother and a Wife.  She was fulfilled having gotten everything she dreamed of.  She had an imagine in her mind of a life and made it happen.
In reality of this imagine is a Mama who is rarely calm and peaceful.  She yells a lot and then sad for doing so.  She cooks without meaning and cooks most nights because she knows that people need to eat.  Clutter and boxes stuffed (with everything that was on the floor) are her friends.  The kids watch A LOT of TV.  Creating for myself is the only thing that panned out, and that is mostly for sanity.  She complains all the time about everything and is not happy only being a Mother and Wife.  In reality I don't like the wife part most of the time and fulfillment is the last thing on my mind.

Yet everyday I smile and think about the beautiful, amazing and blessed life I have.  How can I have polar opposites going on at the same time?

I wish there was a handbook that tells you in a clear flow chart.  If your values, imagines and outcomes for Motherhood are this, then follow these steps and it will happen.  It seems that when I think I have it all figured out and somewhat on track my whole system goes to crap.   I want to dig my heals in and scream stop shaking up my world!!

I was recently turned on to Get Born.  A magazine and blog about the reality and rawness that is Motherhood.   An uncensored image.  There was an entry on the Truth of Motherhood and the Ugly Truth which has sparked something among my community of Women.  One writes about it here while another good friend writes about the rawness of it all here.  I read this and cry. Tears stream down my face as chaos continues all around me.  How is it that some are seeing the beauty and learning while I am stuck still in the sadness and being overwhelmed?

Here is my Truth and Ugly Truth. (please be gentle)

Truth: I love being a Mother 

Ugly Truth: I am jealous of the Mothers who have it all figured out.  Who have found everything that I am looking for.  I wish I was like the Mothers that everyone else around me is being.  To be like the amazing women that I am surrounded with.  The ones who are doing it all with grace and dignity.