Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Four Weeks

It has been four weeks since we were blessed with Benjamin.  

Four Days Old

These past four weeks have passed both quickly and slowly at the same time.  Sometimes the moments are crazy with many kids running, yelling, playing, and crying (including Mama) and other times everything is calm and moving with a rhythmic pace.  I decided back in my pregnancy to take the first two weeks after Ben's birth to relax, recover, and soak in the sweetness of new life.  We had already decided that he would be our last babe and so I wanted to really enjoy this time.  I had no idea how difficult that was going to be.  The reality of it was that it was lonely.  For all the women that I know and connect with in the community I felt like I was stuck home alone with my kids with no one.  I wanted to feel connection.  I wanted to talk about my birth. I wanted everyone to stop telling me how it looked like I was doing great and assuming that everything was fine.  I was still fragile and I wanted people to see that and most importantly I wanted validation that it was o.k. to feel that way.

With my third birth I thought it was going to be different.  I had experienced both a crazy hospital birth and an intense homebirth and this one was going to be the birth that wasn't intense and crazy but was going to be calm peaceful and at home.  I got the calm and peaceful part just not at home.
With this pregnancy I had a lot of braxton hicks that each and every time I thought was the real deal.  They started at the beginning of mylast month of my pregnancy and it was the same thing every couple of days.  Intense contractions that lasted 2 - 3 hours and then stopped. This made for a long and emotional last few weeks of pregnancy. I got a lot of people telling me to relax and it will happen when it happens.  By the time I actually went into labour I didn't trust myself to know if it was really labour or just braxton hicks.  I was emotional spent before I had even started it felt like.   When I finally did start what was actual labour I was so afraid it was going to stop, and this was all I was focusing on.  My midwife came and then my midwife left as labour was long and slow.  Watching her pack up her stuff was difficult for me as I felt that again I didn't know it was labour, I had called too soon, and who knew when I was going to have this baby.

Four Minutes Old

After a few more hours at home and labour was not stopping, getting more intense but still very slow I decided that being at home was no longer where I wanted to be.  I was tired, in pain, and emotionally feeling like I could not go on.   In the moment that we decided to go to the hospital all I could think about and focus on was what was everyone going to think.  Everyone I knew and myself included strongly believed in homebirths.  I had fought so hard to get my first home birth and here I was choosing to leave and have a hospital birth.  There was no emergency, no one was in distress I just no longer wanted to be at home.  I felt like a failure on my drive to the hospital.

It is now difficult to be upset about having made the decision to leave home as my body has told me loud and clear that it was the right decision.  Ben was born within a few hours of arriving and I was home sitting in my living room that same night.  The rest I received with the epidural allowed my mind to shut off and let my body to do what it was meant to do and knew if could do, but all my mental thinking got in the way.  Ben was born into a quiet, dimly lit, peaceful space.  I was the most present I have ever been at any of my births and the birth I am the most happy about.

Now my whole world has been rocked as I try and wrap my head around having my best birth at the hospital.  Four weeks ago I thought something like this was never possible. I feel that with every birth I was somehow changed. Sam rocked me, Lily healed me, and Ben has transformed me.  I am not too sure how the transformation is going to take place, but I can feel the movement.
Four Weeks Old

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Friends, Food, Farm, and Renewal

Friday was Canada Day and therefore means a long weekend for us.  While many are very patriotic and celebrate Canada's Birthday for us it just means that our crazy neighbours are going to set off fireworks into the wee hours of the night.  Not so great when you have little kids and a 3 week old.  
So with an invite to visit a friends newly purchased farm we jumped at the chance to not be home.  Plus I had not seen said close friend since she had moved and therefore she had not had the chance to meet our newest addition. 
On our drive north we came across this beautiful yellow field.  It was truly amazing. The brightest of yellows against the bluest of skies.  We didn't pull over to take a picture for fear of waking Ben, so I snapped this shot while we drive past.    
Now my friend has been waiting for this new farm for sometime.  There was lots of anticipation and stress leading up to the purchase and move.  She was so confident in her dream coming true that she had the house all packed and lived on only the essentials for more than a month before the purchase. She was living her belief.
It was truly amazing to pull into the drive of her dream.  To see her come running out the door of her new farm house with a smile like I have never seen.  She was relaxed, calm, happy and really floating on a cloud.  Her new home was beautiful and the energy and feeling you felt was something I had not felt before, it was the feeling of a home, a place were a family truly lived a life before and a place were a family was going to create a life now.
We ate and shared, laughed and listened, and I soaked up the Mama, sisterhood, and womanly energy from my friends.  It was one of the longest times out since my birth and I had been apprehensive, in the end I felt energized. I had been feeling lonely and de-pleated trying to do what I felt was the right thing for my new babe even though at times I felt it wasn't the right thing for me. These beautiful woman helped me to remember that what I am doing right now is very important work and even though it is my third time I still need special care and it is o.k. that I think about it, ask for it, and accept the care and love.  

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Right Now....

Outside my window: the leaves are wet from an sudden evening downpour.

I am thinking: that even with my third babe I am still learning new things about what it means to be a Mama with a newborn baby. 

I am thankful for: the special time the older kids going to have with Grampa and Gigi for the next couple of days. 

From the kitchen: enjoying the food made with love from my circle of Mama's. 

I am wearing: my new babe in our Heart 2 Heart sling. Babywearing is a lifesaver.  

I am creating: many new ideas in my head for the fall show season, oh the new things that are coming are going to be great.  

I am going: to enjoy the next few days just me and this sweet babe, while missing my bigger ones at the same time. 

I am reading: nothing.... I am looking for a good read.  Any suggestions? 

I am hoping: my Mom is enjoying herself overseas. 

I am hearing: my inner voice guiding me towards to right choices and decisions. 

Around the house: the signs of summer 

One of my favorite things: the chai lattes that friends bring when they visit. 

A few plans for the rest of the week: rest, relaxation, friends, snuggles, and knitted stitches. 

Here is picture for thought I am sharing..

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Strawberry Fields Forever

Today we left the house for a short and quick trip to the strawberry field.  I have been snuggled up in bed with this new bundle of amazement and have been dreaming of strawberries since my first taste of the season at last weeks market.  
So before the rain hit we quickly went over to the strawberry patch.  This year was Lily's first year picking and she was so excited.  After filling her little basket she moved on to daisy picking and of course we all got one stuck in our hair. For a brief moment I saw the years ahead of us of picking strawberries each spring and how next year Ben will be sitting between the rows. We picked a small amount to satisfy the senses but I am sure I will be back before the season is over.  I just want to eat berries until I am drunk with their sweet taste! 

Saturday, June 18, 2011


Benjamin Andrew Cafissi
Welcomed on the evening of June 13
We have been basking in the sweet baby bliss

We will return soon with many great tales to tell. 

Friday, June 10, 2011

{this moment}

As I swim in the waiting game of the final days of my pregnancy I look for a few quiet moments, even if it is not me taking them. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

New Baby Ducks

Less than 24 hours old and these baby ducklings have found a new home at Nana's farm.  The kids get so excited when the baby animals start arriving. Lily was so much gentler and more at ease than when the baby chicks came a month ago.  She already getting into the rhythm of things. Sam is an old pro showing Lily how to hold them as well as the gentle way to pet them with only two fingers.
Super cute! Both the ducklings and the kids.