#15 ~ Cleanse my Body

It was not what I had expected.  But then again nothing in life has been thus far.

I have spent many years plagued by Candida issues.  This past winter it had gotten to its worst and after some testing realized that it had taken over my body.  The problem being Lily was only 10 months old at the time and she and I were not ready to stop nursing so that I could cleanse my body of the Candida.  So I tired diet to help minimize the symptoms and we started a wheat, dairy and sugar free diet.  This helped but did not solve the problem.  It was a long battle in my mind as to when I should wean Lily so that I could cleanse.  I wasn't ready, she wasn't ready and yet I was tired of the symptoms.  Two weeks ago I made, what I thought at the time was a selfish choice, and I weaned Lily cold turkey in a weekend so that I could do the cleanse, I just couldn't handle it anymore.  (She managed as well as she could given the situation and we have been doing a difference dance since.)
I got all the things I needed for the cleanse, prepared myself mentally and started.  While I had been limiting sugars, wheat and dairy I had to cut about 90% of my diet out for the two week cleanse.  I did well for the first three days, then everything changed. I got grumpy, angry, weepy, shaking and overwhelmed.  These moments would come out of nowhere and I could be feeling these emotions all at once.  I seconded guessed weaning Lily, I felt bad for myself and who I was.  I tried painting but I couldn't get anything to come out.  Some nights I slept great others I lied awake and ran over what seemed like every thought I had ever had.  I got insecure again, second guessing friendships, trying to find a place to fit. Do I belong to this place, do I have meaning,  if we moved would I be missed?  Or am I just the Mama who so desperately wants to be a part of a community of women that she tries to hard and it shows?  Why couldn't I just realize I am perfect just the way I am.
I felt like the cleanse has taking me emotionally turned me inside out and brushed out all the things that I had been storing there from the past and given me a chance to try it out and see if it still fits.  Some things fit like an old pair of jeans that you loved, you think about keeping them, but when you look in the mirror you realize they look terrible and you throw them out.  Others I didn't even want to try on.
It has been strange as I did the cleanse for physical reasons, but I didn't experience any of the physical symptoms of cleansing.  (Well there is the 8lb weight loss)  I do feel better physically and the Candida symptoms are about 80% gone.
When I started two weeks ago I though I was being selfish, but it has been transformational.  I feel that even thought I am not too sure what the end result will look like.