Truth & Ugly Truth

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Motherhood.  What does this mean really.  I have been doing it for the past 4 years and it still isn't any clearer than it was the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time.  Motherhood is not what I expected.  It is a lot harder, terrifying, life changing, sadder and frustrating and I ever imagined.  It has changed me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually when I never thought I wanted it to.

I had this imagine of a Mama that was calm, caring and peaceful.  She cooked, cleaned and created for her family.  She needed nothing, complained about nothing, and was happy being a Mother and a Wife.  She was fulfilled having gotten everything she dreamed of.  She had an imagine in her mind of a life and made it happen.
In reality of this imagine is a Mama who is rarely calm and peaceful.  She yells a lot and then sad for doing so.  She cooks without meaning and cooks most nights because she knows that people need to eat.  Clutter and boxes stuffed (with everything that was on the floor) are her friends.  The kids watch A LOT of TV.  Creating for myself is the only thing that panned out, and that is mostly for sanity.  She complains all the time about everything and is not happy only being a Mother and Wife.  In reality I don't like the wife part most of the time and fulfillment is the last thing on my mind.

Yet everyday I smile and think about the beautiful, amazing and blessed life I have.  How can I have polar opposites going on at the same time?

I wish there was a handbook that tells you in a clear flow chart.  If your values, imagines and outcomes for Motherhood are this, then follow these steps and it will happen.  It seems that when I think I have it all figured out and somewhat on track my whole system goes to crap.   I want to dig my heals in and scream stop shaking up my world!!

I was recently turned on to Get Born.  A magazine and blog about the reality and rawness that is Motherhood.   An uncensored image.  There was an entry on the Truth of Motherhood and the Ugly Truth which has sparked something among my community of Women.  One writes about it here while another good friend writes about the rawness of it all here.  I read this and cry. Tears stream down my face as chaos continues all around me.  How is it that some are seeing the beauty and learning while I am stuck still in the sadness and being overwhelmed?

Here is my Truth and Ugly Truth. (please be gentle)

Truth: I love being a Mother 

Ugly Truth: I am jealous of the Mothers who have it all figured out.  Who have found everything that I am looking for.  I wish I was like the Mothers that everyone else around me is being.  To be like the amazing women that I am surrounded with.  The ones who are doing it all with grace and dignity.   

Gratitude

It has been a long and tiring week with everyone getting ill in some manner or another.  Little sleep last night as Lily was up with a high fever.

While I am overwhelmed and seeking some Mama time, I am still looking for things to be grateful for.

So Today I am Grateful for:
~ A little man who is now stronger for fighting through the Chickenpox
~ The snuggles from my normally independent little girl.
~ Family that has supported me this week, giving me little breaks here and there.
~ A man who loves me and supports the health choices we are making for our little ones.
~ The cardinals that allowed me to be a part of their courting ritual in the backyard this morning.

What are you grateful for amidst the chaos of life?

At the End of the Day

After the day started bad and then just spiraled out of control is was this simple sight of seeing Daddy and his Girl creating in the garden that helped me to breathe and realize that tomorrow will be different, and everything is o.k.

The Perfect Little Summer/Everything Dress

I have been obsesses with this dress pattern since it arrived in the mail two weeks ago.  I have been making them out of everything that I can find.

I originally saw the dress here and thought to myself that it looked like an easy enough piece and that with the pattern I could make my own.  I searched on the internet and couldn't find what I was looking for anywhere.  Then out of the blue one day when reading this post of Amanda's I realize she has made the dress I have been looking for!  She links to a website and sells the patterns and it is a very exciting day!!

The dress is every bit amazing and easy as I thought that it was going to be.  Only two pieces sewn together right sides together, turned right side out and then top stitched all around.  THAT'S IT!!  I used snaps instead of the called for buttons.  Two reasons; snaps help keep in on my active little girl and I can't figure out how to make buttons holes on my sewing machine.

I am so in love with this pattern that I am making one for every little girl I know.  I think the dress count is now up to about 10 in the last week.  Yes, yes, I am get a little obsessed when I love something, but a little sun dress for everyone is something great to be happy about.

Amidst the Chaos We Find the Peace

Our home as of late has been a little off kilter.  Sam has gotten a bad case of the chickenpox.   There is the few days leading up the outbreak with a little boy not quite feeling well.  The night with the fever and then the next two days of break outs.  Silly me I had been hoping for him to get them as a little guy so then it was done and over with and he would have the immunity built up before going into School this fall.  In the typical manner of my little guy, he doesn't so anything small or low key!

We had chickenpox EVERYWHERE!!  Unsure of the ones that were in his eyes, mouth and bum, we decided to take him to the Doctor.  Now I must tell you that Sam doesn't go very often.  We are strong believers in Homeopathy, natural care, and letting the body do what it needs to do without the interference of outside sources and medicines.  We figure our bodies are very smart and know what is best for itself to heal.  We don't bring down fevers as this is the body killing what is harming it.  We let noses run as this is the body getting out what it doesn't want inside.  The body knows best.  We often tell the kids when they say that are not feeling well or something hurts to ask their body to make it better, it knows how.

Now I didn't know that Chickenpox can hurt.  I had heard of the itching but not the pain.  So we had been giving creams and oatmeal bathes and he was still complaining of them hurting.  The Doctor confirms that for many the pain is far more intense than the itching and so we should be treating the pain as well as the itching.  This means lots of Tylenol.  Gulp......  Giving medicine of any kind is way outside my comfort zone.  But I look over at my little guy who is sobbing from the pain and the itching and I can't help but want to do WHATEVER will make him better.  Isn't that the natural instinct of a Mother?

A day later and lots of snuggles, sleeping, and some medicine (we had to make a shopping stop as I didn't have anything the Doctor suggested)  Sam seems to be doing better.  He has a little bit of energy back so we are trying to come up with quiet activities to encourage more rest.

The process of trying to do what is best as well as standing for what you believe in was difficult.  I have always said that it is easy to stand for all natural when everyone is healthy, but it another when someone gets sick.  In this situation we used a combination of both to make the best decision for Sam, but it was difficult for this Mama.  A Mama who is still trying to figure everything out.

Number 22 - Learn to Wet Felt

Over the weekend I crossed off Number 22 on the list.  I learned to felt.  When I first created the list I put learn to wet felt when I have now been educated and realize what I should have put what learn to needle felt as this was what I wanted to learn to do.  

With the encouragement of an amazing friend we took a course this past weekend at Gemini Fibers on needle felting.  We made a sheep.  It was an amazing day of friendship, meeting new people and rejuvenation.  

Here is my little guy.

I think he looks more like a lion instead of a sheep, but I have lots of wool that I purchased to perfect the technique!  Stay tuned for more of my creations. 

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.  ~ Inspired by Amanda Soule